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You love going out and talking with people
but the problem is you have no true friends
yeah of course you have this long lasting relationship with a "best friend" since childhood
and you understand each other most of the time
but you're too different
you want different things
and what you really want in life is to have atleast one friend
who would be excited to be with you
who would want to hang out and would love to do the same things you love doing
and would always understand you and support you no matter what
but even if you sometimes in some occassions feel like "oh yeah, my friend is like that"
you realise that so many things about you are so different
that yeah you have similar things
but they're not the main things you enjoy
yeah you sometimes support and understand each other
but only sometimes
and then you start feeling guilty for even thinking of having another life and other friends
you start feeling guilty for feeling lonely when you're full with people all around
but you shouldn't
because it's the truth
you are lonely
we shouldn't feel guilty for having feelings about things, because we cannot control them or change them. It's just what we automatically feel.
And i...
I feel lonely
I sure wish i would just be alone
because being alone and being lonely is so different in so many ways
Being alone means caring only about your business and don't have to worry about any of the bullshit other people think of you
but being lonely when u have so many friends means feeling guilt, feeling like an outsider, feeling like an abomination. No matter what they say to you or be like "ayy u can always talk to me you know" because when you do open up to them, they don't accept you. You feel like talking with a brick wall. You start feeling that you made the wrong move to talk to them because even if they're not judging you right into your face, you can still feel it. It's the feeling when you just somehow can't trust a person. You don't know why or when did you lose the trust in them, but you did and it's never gonna be the same again.
And the worst feeling is when you're stuck with them, when you can't run away from them. And you HAVE TO act a bit like them and pretend because you will suffer even more.
Tho sometimes i think how much better it would be to be the class's weirdo no one talks to, because then you wouldn't have to care. You would be happy with yourself and have no drama, won't need to change for anyone.

Dear no one, the future friend, i hope i will finally meet you one day and we will bring only happiness into our lives and this world. I hope to meet you soon.
I don't usually upload feelings into dA especially as a deviation, but this time i just feel like i need to share it with someone. With someone i don't know. 
I don't feel good around my friends. And...I usually write stuff in person or sometimes to facebook, but this time i'm just not ready for my friends to see this.
It's really nothing artistic, nothing creative or not even important. I just wanted to let my feelings out into the world. I would keep this only for myself, but it's the same as keeping your feelings shut down.
So yeah, sorry for this. 
:iconkaligulapro:
KaligulaPRO Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2016  Student Interface Designer
You should never feel ashamed for the feelings. In fact, it's better to express them (just like you did with this poem). I don't know what kind of nerves it took you to write this down and upload it on here but the fact you did, I am proud of you. Publicly expressing yourself with emotions is really hard (whether it's one person or a following on social media), so, I give you an internet hug. APH Prussia tackle hug 

Whatever you do, love yourself. If someone hurts you, write your feelings down in a heat of the moment, burn that motherfucking paper and let go. Maybe create a happy box, where you put pieces of paper with happy small memories, open it up when you feel like crap. Do whatever it takes to let all the feelings out.  I am not someone you know IRL but I am going to be the one who will support you.
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:iconpandutea:
Pandutea Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much for this comment and such support :heart: 
It means so much to me. :iconpandablompplz:
And the idea of a happy box is really brilliant. I should really try that :3
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:iconkaligulapro:
KaligulaPRO Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2016  Student Interface Designer
I've also been in a negative mood lately, so, to some extend, I do understand what you are feeling. So let's unite and make each other's day! (~and let's not forget about art~!)

:hugrevamped: 
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January 8, 2016
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